Friday, November 16, 2012

"...the acting in this movie (with the exception of Mustache Dad) is like watching somebody move action figures around on top of a Williams Sonoma catalogue."

Io9 watches the last Twilight movie so you don't have to:

I realized it about a quarter of the way into Breaking Dawn, Part 2, the fifth and final movie in the Twilight movie saga. I was watching a porn flick. I don't mean that people were getting it on in improbable ways with even more improbable amounts of stamina. I mean the stilted dialogue whose entire purpose is to introduce long, wordless sequences of carnal indulgence. The wooden acting that we are not supposed to care about because we're just in this for the money shots. But what, exactly, is the release we're waiting for? The climax, if you will?

That's the really weird part. Spoilers ahead!

Mary Sue Porn

One thing that porn and fanfic like the Twilight books have in common is a "Mary Sue" character who stands in for the rabid audience member (and probably the writer, too) who wishes desperately that her life would be as perfect and satisfying as the main character's. Without a Mary Sue to identify with, it's harder to get off. In porn, you have a schlubby guy (your Mary Sue, AKA Ron Jeremy) who gets it on with babes; in the Twilight series you have Bella, a clumsy, emotionally wrecked girl whose ability to be a Mary Sue for teenage girls has changed the face of pop culture for an entire generation.

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